Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Number Nazi

I think I have this fear of being controlled by numbers. Whether it's what the scale says, calories eaten or burned, miles ran, minutes per mile, or pant size. It's all number control. I feel like a Number Nazi.
I also have a fear of shooting back up to 377 pounds overnight.

If I've eaten the not so healthy food choices for a few days. I'm on and off the scale. Mind screwing with myself.
Or if I *FEEL* heavy, sluggish, and tired. I automatically think "OH CRAP! I must be over 200 pounds, which then will magically jump to 377.
Mind you I'm 15 pounds away from being any where near 200 pounds.
Which also means I'm 190something pounds away from 377 pounds.
And I *KNOW* one meal or a few days of eating not the most nutritionally sound foods won't get me there. But I know if I let myself go, that will be the end result.

And that end result scares the bejesus out of me. Because I haven't worked this hard the past 21 months to go back to 377 pounds. The fear though is very real. And most days, I use that fear as motivation to kick ass. But lately it seems the fear is paralyzing me. Which makes me feel out of control. And I HATE feeling out of control.

I know I need those numbers for structure. A guideline. A box to work in. But sometimes my mind feels like that box is shrinking. It's not. It's the same box and same thing I've been doing since 9/12/12.

I think I'm self sabotaging for some reason. And I think it's new the adventure Brent and I are about to embark on with his new job. The uncertainty, the unknown, the small things we don't know about, and of course the what ifs. What if this doesn't happen? What if this does happen? Etc etc etc.
I know Brent and I will be just fine. I know he's going to do an incredible job...like he always does. But those thoughts still linger.
For some reason in my mind, I think if I can't control what happens with the new business venture. Then I can't control me and my shit!
Seriously! How much sense does that make? NONE! But it's there and it drives me crazy. So I deflect my uncertainty on something that is working. Seriously?

Now that we figured it out. Time to implement a plan of attack!
Back to Basics.
Protein, Protein, Protein.
Water, Water, Water.
Veggies, Veggies, Veggies.
Fruit, Fruit, Fruit.
Run, Run, Run.

I will get back to under 185, for now. Then I will get to losing 200 pounds. I'm tired of hanging out in the losing 190something. Don't get me wrong is amazing in it's own self. But that's not my goal!

Alright mind...
Challenge accepted.
Time to show you what's up!


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