Wednesday, November 28, 2012

What is this Feeling?

So sudden and new. I felt it the moment I laid eyes on you! Loathing!

Yes...I just quoted "Wicked"! Boo yah!

And I am loathing right now. It's the first time during this process that I've felt like WTF did I do! I can't do this, I can't do that...blah blah blah. I understand I "did it to myself"...but these are my feeling and it's probably dashed with a bit of PMS as well but nonetheless they're there...front and center.

First of all, let me say I DO NOT regret doing the surgery. I actually am very much glad I did it! Regret is not even in my mind. I believe my feelings are old habit feelings. Now that I can eat solid foods and things are staying down. But some foods and drinks I actually nachos, margaritas, beer, bacon cheeseburger, fries, slushees! I think I'm coming to a road in this process, that I'm feeling better...FINALLY. I'm down 51 lbs, my smaller clothes are fitting me, everyone is noticing. And I get excited!

But I still have "Fat Lydia" in my head. Not that she is bad but her choices in food clearly weren't the greatest. Hence reaching 377 lbs. So I've been battling my wants with what my body actually needs. I know I need at least 64 oz of water, my vitamins, protein, veggies and after that I don't really don't have room for anything else. But I still have those cravings in my head but most if the time I can handle them but for some reason as of lately they have been a wee bit stronger. Outside of this little battle...which I will conquer...everything else is doing fantastic.

I feel alive. I feel like I can actually PHYSICALLY take on the world. I have no pain. I don't get winded going up stairs. I feel like I've been brought back to life and not just coasting. Which is the best feeling to me in the whole wide world. So no matter what cravings I's not strong enough for me to go back down that deadly road.

And once again for those who think this is the "easy way out" Kiss my ass. This shit is straight up hard...but like anything else that is that has it's challenges this one is well worth it.

"Food was your life, now fun is your life." Brent said that when I was bitchin about not being able to eat anything. And it made sense to me. Fun is my life now. And I'm having a blast with my baby tummy! lol :)