Thursday, February 2, 2012

I've Awaken a Sleeping Elephant

Its time to be honest with myself.

As y'all know I'm battling the bulge. I've set goals and I've set my mind on the final results and what I'm going to do and blah blah blah...
But that's the problem. I'm not getting there. I've maintained...I've gained...I've done everything but lose. The Hubster made a comment the other day, after several minutes of me bitching, crying, and whining about my weight loss, he said maybe Weight Watcher isn't the program right now. I was like What?! I've been doing Weight Watchers on and off for 5 years this May. I know the program works, i had mucho success on the program. Its not the program...its...ME....

I'm in a different place from where I was when I first started.
May 2007 - Living with Mom and Dad. Working just to pay a car payment. Sort of helped with cooking. Dad was OCD about cleaning. The only thing I literally did was lose weight. I had no boyfriend, I had my BFF, who's house was close enough I walked to it. I can NOT stress that I just worked and lost weight!
Fast forward to February 2012 - Alot has transpired since May 2007. I was in a "relationshit" early 2008, that ended horribly wrong, I moved from my hometown to be out on my own in a new city, where I knew one person. So I was responsible for a roof over my head, food, everything. I actually got a huge wake up call. I had major drama roommates, work, the crappy jobs, depression reared its ugly head. Through all the insanity, I got into a very good relationship, which led to marriage, so the stress of planning a wedding. My job, as mentioned before I'm a florist. I'm retail worker. Which means my hours are shit! lol

But I survived it. I'm hear in front up you my highest weight that I've known.
So I've debated whether or not to post my numbers...because that's a really personal thing but in order for me to be honest with myself, I feel that it will help me. A release, like I'm letting go of my past my security...my wall.

I use my weight as a shield. A barrier...of...fat... Its clearly a mental thing. I figure in some sort of twisted reality that if you don't like me...its because I'm fat. Because honestly I don't know why people wouldn't like me! Its baffles me to this day! :) But in my weird reality, that's what happens when things hit the fan! I retreated into my old habits of using food as a comfort...a crutch. Because when shit its the fan...food is there for me. When I'm stressed, "hey food what's up". When I'm sad, "food no one like me." When I'm happy, "hey food did you see that!!!!" When I'm bored, "OMG food, I can't believe that happened on *insert TV show*".

So food is a crutch. And I LOOOOOVE food. I honestly feel its an addiction. And unfortunately I need my addiction to stay alive. But I'm here today confessing this. And I have decided to post my numbers because from here on out its all about being honest.

Starting weight as 1/29/12 - 360.3

oooh I'm nervous posting that makes it real.
But I won't be that weight again. And if you feel like being a hater and judging me. Then stop reading, delete me from whatever list I'm on of yours. Because I'm to old for that bullshit. I'm at a point in my life where I like surrounding myself with positive people! Word!

From this point on I'll be posting my numbers, so to keep it real and so it can be changed!

And I've decided to get alittle help...a jump start...I'm going to be trying Healthy Trim, along with Weight Watchers. Its an appetite suppressant. But once the spring time flower business slows down...then I'll be back to just Weight Watchers and me!

Well there is this blog! Enjoy. A small peek into my mind as always!

Much love! LJ

4 comments:

  1. HUGS! You can do it, L! And you have a team of cheerleaders here for you...we're all in this together!

    I know it's scary to put The Number out there, and I'm so proud of you for doing it. I have been a little paranoid of my IRL friends finding my blog or twitter (because they'd know how much I weigh!) and then I decided that I don't care. :) So forget the haters and focus on doing your thing. Your blog is for you. <3

    Mwahhh!

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  2. I'm proud of you! For giving yourself the credit you deserve, for being willing to try something new, for being brave enough to be honest. You are about the most likable person I know, funny, smart, and positive. Keep loving on yourself and surrounding yourself with people who do!

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  3. First step done. That was the hardest one. Do another step.

    Then do another.

    Keep going.

    Stumble...

    Get up.

    Another step.

    Another.

    Before you know it, you're half the person you were...

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  4. Thank y'all for all the lvoe and support! i really i needed that honesty session. It was like i was shedding a skin and ready to take on the future! <3

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